Monday, December 20, 2004

This weekend - Jaani Dushman!!

Boy....I can belive I am saying this...but i actually watch this bollywood piece of s*&^ a second time!!!. Jaani Dushman - Ek Anokhi Kahani.

Trust me folks...all those who come to thie website intentionally or otherwise. Please make it a point to rent this movie. It is absolutely hilarious...not intentionally though. A brief description of the plot will give you an idea how it is.

2 snakes - One 'icchadhari' and one non-icchadhari are in love. That line alone should be enough. But let me go on. The two thin and slimey reptiles are being played by the 'Heavier than thou' Manisha Koirala and a guy who is being re-launched for the third time...Armaan Kholi with fake green lens.

Now these two snakes obviously choose to take a human form...which begets the question...why would a snake that can take a human form want to be a snake in the first place ??? Why cant it just be human. But that is the way it is..and for song and dance purposes at least, they take the human form since dancing without any hands or legs are...well...not exactly interesting...and how the hell will you know which is the male and which is the female snake!! So we have Manisha Koirala with enough curves to be the michelin tyre man and armaan kohli dancing on a supposedly realistic CGI generated colorado!!. Now this colorado....had to be generated by a color blind cgi guy....cos the colors were anything but realistic. Neon mountains !! Let me not get into the details...the summary is interesting enough!!

Towards the end of the song.....it turns out that they are dancing on a strange colored hillock under which there is an Amish Puri doing tapasya. Owing to the weight of manisha, the hillock literally crumbles and these two human shaped snakes disrupt the tapasya. Amrish Puri livid with anger states that that evening, he was finally going to meet god. (Yea...I can imagine god sitting with his PDA and setting up an outlook appoointment "Got to meet Amrish Pur in the evening" unless ofcourse he breaks his tapasya before that!!) Now because, amrish got disturbed by the heavy dancing, he cannot keep his appointment with god and so he curses manisha koirala to die and also to spend some time at Weightwatchers before that. Armaan Kohli decides that he would rather bang his head on a rock than see manisha going to weightwatchers and lose her curves...sorry....die. So he bangs his head on the rock till Amrish gets bored and says..ok...go live in a tree till the 21st century when manisha will come and bump into you and then you can come out and continue your heavy dancing. So manisha dies!!

Cut to the 21st century!! Heavy Manisha Koirala is a college student!!! Can you belive it....a college student!! But i had barely adjust to that reality, when came along the rest of the students.....Akshay Kumar, Sunil Shetty, Aditya Pacholi, Siddhart (of vansh), Shivdasani, Sonu Nigam, rajat Bedi and to make things realistic...Sunny Deol as an Ex-student!!! Rajat and Siddhart have a thing for Ms Heavy and they trick her into reaching a picnic spot named 'nagda fort' ( The pun (jabi) being nag - da - fort ) a whole 1 hour earlier than the rest of the folks. But they make Ms Heavy belive that everyone tricked her. And then they go ahead and enjoy her curves ( rape her ). So the sati savitri that she is, she commits suicide by running into a rather blunt stub of a tree trunk. The only reason, it pierced her was simply because of the momentum generated by her weight!! But before she dies, Armaan Kohli, whom she had earlier met to know her whole 'snake turned human flashback' bumps into her. And she tell him to take revenge on all the guys since they contributed rajat and Siddhart in raping her. Now being a guy, i know a little about guys!! But there is no way 10 guys will assist 2 guys and let just the two guys go and do their task. that is too far fetched even for bollywood. but what the hell....ms Heavy isnt the smartest around. And that my friends is the set up.

The rest of the story is about Armaan Kohli killing each person one by one taking different forms....different personalities. Sometimes he is a motorbike, sometimes a bird, sometime a male seducing females and sometimes a female luring males to their death...and in the process realizing that he is bisexual He is also occassionaly assisted by Ms Heavy ( now a transperent ghost ). Arman Kohli gets aid from a whole lot of cheap versions of hollywood movies like Terminator 2, Matrix, Anaconda to name a few. And at the end, something happens and the only one who survives is sonu nigam...since even the realms beyond death could not bear to see his acting !! And yea..there is Raj Babbar who is a professor of parapsychology ( the only person in the world to get that degree !!) who helps arman kohli become a transperant ghost to join Ms Heavy to continue to do their ghostly dance!! And that my friends is where I am stopping. For hilarious details....rent it from a video store from far far away...chances are no nearby video store will keep this movie!!

And psst...I cant belive, this movie was the reason why I missed a production issue for which I was paged!!! Jaani Dushman - A story about a bisexual icchadhari snake!! It has to be anokhi!!!

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